Start early
Most people don’t want to talk about money on a first date, and it can be a bigger taboo in relationships than sex, politics or religion. But however unromantic, having conversations about how you manage your cash is important.
According to counselling service Relate, money worries are the most common reason for relationship difficulties. “Tackling the topic early on avoids the potential for resentments to emerge later and lead to more destructive arguments,” says a Relate counsellor, Peter Saddington.
Early on you could start by, for example, asking someone if they are a spender or saver, or what they dream of achieving with their money, in order to understand your respective financial situations.
“If there are issues later – debts, bills, or how much you want to save, or not – it’s more likely to be something you can do successfully, without rupturing the relationship, as money is already a topic you discuss,” adds Saddington.
Draw up an agreement
As a relationship becomes more serious and your lives more entwined, there will be conversations about money that must be had. You will need to find a way to be clear about your expectations – for example, whether and to what extent you want to merge your finances, and what expenses will be shared.
If you are struggling to start these conversations, take the pressure off by suggesting you both write down, separately, how you want to manage your finances as a couple, before sitting down to compare and agree on anything.
“Money can be an emotional issue, so it needs a practical approach, where each partner feels listened to,” says Arabella Russell, a couples psychotherapist. “I’d encourage drawing up a plan of the points you need to address so that you’re prepared for the conversation, and approach it almost like a business meeting.”
View image in fullscreenTalking about managing your cash is an important part of a relationship.
Photograph: MBI/Alamy
You might ultimately agree, for example, to have a pot for joint spending and bills, and work out your contributions, although these may change over time. You may also want to set spending limits, where anything above a certain figure requires a joint decision.
If you are unmarried, this can be set out in a cohabitation agreement when you move in or at a later date. This is a legal document setting out financial contributions and who owns what.
Set money ‘dates’
Schedule a time to talk to your partner about money – perhaps once a month – and use the conversation to cover everything from bills and spending to savings.
However, keep these “dates” brief, ideally about 20 minutes. “This will make it more likely you’ll stick to the points and avoid old arguments,” says Saddington, who stresses that talking about money can feel threatening and make us defensive. “Limiting the time potentially avoids it becoming a heated conversation, and don’t have the discussion late at night, or when you’ve been drinking alcohol.”
Avoid bringing any resentments into the conversation, or shame if your partner is struggling, and stick to facts.
You can also use this time to address any money worries, and future goals, such as where you want to live and what you want to do, and create a joint long-term plan. Ensure you have enough time to talk and listen to each other.
Be honest and open
The foundations of a relationship are built on trust, so fibbing about finances is never wise. However, two-fifths of Britons are keeping “money secrets”, including hiding debt problems, according to research by the Money and Pensions Service.
You may be a cautious money saver, for example, while your partner is a spontaneous and impulsive spender
James Jones, the head of consumer affairs at the credit agency Experian, says that shared accounts can make it more difficult to keep debts hidden.
“Although credit checks are on the person, not the address, many couples’ credit histories will be linked by shared accounts, such as a joint mortgage or current account,” he explains.
“Any hidden debts could surface during a future credit application and, as a result, cause an unpleasant surprise.”
Remember that you may well take a different approach to money to your partner. You may be a cautious saver, for example, while your partner is a spontaneous and impulsive spender, and being honest about your personal circumstances will encourage your partner to be the same.
Recognise ‘money stories’
We all have different “money stories” that are linked to our upbringing and play out in our relationships, Russell says. But, she adds, often couples don’t realise this, which is why conversations about the issue sometimes go wrong. “Perhaps one partner was brought up with tension around money and financial difficulties, and that could lead to fear of living in that uncertainty again,” she says.
View image in fullscreenYou may have had different experiences of money to your partner while growing up.
Photograph: Park Dale/Alamy
She suggests asking about your partner’s experiences growing up and, if you have repetitive arguments, trying to find out what’s at the root of these.
“The more you can have conversations that go well and there’s understanding and no shame involved, the easier it is to be honest,” she says.
You are also more likely to go to each other for help with a problem if you understand where you are each coming from.
Seek help
If you are having trouble tackling financial issues as a couple, there is help available. Go to your local Citizens Advice to talk about practical matters together, such as being unable to afford escalating bills, and managing debts.
You may want to try a counsellor or couples coach specialising in financial issues. Use the Counselling Directory search tool to find a couples counsellor, with sessions online, by telephone or in person.
You can eavesdrop on a relationship counsellor helping couples talk about money in BBC Radio 4’s The Money Clinic.
There are also lots of free financial lessons and budgeting tools you could do together. Relate’s website features quizzes, while the government-sponsored MoneyHelper website has guides to help trigger conversations with your partner. “If you can work on honing communication, this will have advantages across your whole relationship,” Russell says.
Your relationship, and your bank balance, will hopefully be stronger as a result.
